Jokes Dawg

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche???

With a Porsche, the prick is on the inside!!!!

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were running away from the cops. They ran into a barn, and each hid in a sack. The cops came and kicked the sack with the redhead in it, she said, "meow..." The cops said, " It's just a cat," and goes on and kicks the sack with the brunette. She says, " woof..." The cops say, " It's just a dog." They kick the sack with the blonde and she says, " Potatoe..."

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news."

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like.

The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00. The patient could not help but ask; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

The little farm boy storms out of the house, mad about being ordered to do his chores. In the barnyard, he kicks the rooster. Near the barn, he kicked a hog. In the corral, he kicked the family's milk cow. His mother saw all this and stormed out after him.

"I saw you kick that rooster; just for that, you'll get no eggs. And I saw you kick that hog; just for that, you'll get no bacon. And I saw you kick the cow; just for that, you'll get no milk!"

His father heard the yelling, came out of the barn, tripping over the cat and nearly falling, after which, he booted the poor animal out of his way. The cat ran screeching into the barn.

The little boy looked up at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or shall I?"

A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

When you run over a snake, you don't back up to make sure it's dead.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."

There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says " if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes"
They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest "package" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." >From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy
yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly
silence
transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to
him
says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The
bartender
is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a
black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde
and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a
pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell
that
joke?"
The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."

Q: Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?
A: Because they’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

If you don't know who Stalin is Click Here.



When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he
was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open your case at once."
Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.
"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."

When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!"
Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?” asked the officer.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."
The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."

When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold."

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.